What is motivating you to live for tomorrow? No, really. Today I have come to the sobering realization that my motives for life are not pure ones. I would like to honestly say that I live for the glory of God. But something inside me feels convicted when I say that.
Today after a mild disappointment in ministry I find my joy and fulfilment teetering at the helm of a single event. “Prone to wander oh I feel it Prone to leave the one I love, Here’s my heart oh take and seal it, seal it for thy throne above”. These words resonate so very vibrantly every time I hear the old hymn “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing”. Because it is the most honest thing that I can sing to God. It becomes my confession of my disappointment with myself.
As mentioned in The Sentry posted earlier last week, The Sentry has a major internal problem that hinders his effectiveness. This is how I feel with my own desire to please God. I feel like my “flesh” is desiring be successful and my “flesh” makes me feel depressed when that doesn’t look like the case.
So I reflect on a friend of mine who is a Catholic Priest who has been functioning in his own monastery for the last 14 years. He is utterly fulfilled, always kind and loving, and centered in Christ. Very few people know that he even exist. I am reminded of Henri Nouwen who was on of the most successful Christian writers of the past fifty years. Nouwen taught and preached around the world and at the climax of his career he left the world of success for a ministry position at a center for severely handicapped people. Nouwen worked in the facility until his death. He turned down the pleasures of his “flesh” for a pleasure that must of been more fulfilling.
In Christ’s temptation by the devil it was his recognition that was challenged. Yet as scripture tells us Christ took the road that led to sadness and death. He took the path that would remove his glory and take on flesh. To give up a throne and take up the cross.
So today I have been exposed to my desire to be successful to be publicly acknowledged. Today I find the filth that remains in this vessel and I pray for forgiveness and cleansing. So here I am… flawed and disgusted at the wickedness that lurks in every mirror.
These are a sample of the thoughts that run through my head on any given Sunday… welcome to my world. 🙂