I’ve been reflecting lately on the effects of our past and how they make there way into our present. Yes, as believers there is redemption and restoration, but as I’ve made my way into “church life”, that has it’s own sub-culture, I’ve realized that I’ve been un truthful to the fiber of who I am.
I guess it started about 6 months ago when I realized that I was making myself read certain books because I felt like I had to. It was such a relief to realize and say out loud that I didn’t like to read, so as a result for a while I didn’t read hardly anything. Then as I was truthful with myself and God, God gave me the right perspective to pick books back up again, but this time as myself.
In recent years, in “church life” I’ve been more disrespected and hurt that I ever was in the world. I’ve seen more dishonor, more gossip, more disloyalty in “church” than I ever have in the world. Being on the end of some of these transactions there’s been a temptation to respond the way I that was familiar to my old life, in violence or just simply cutting them off . Of coarse this is wrong and I’m glad that it hasn’t come to that. But it’s as if in the “church” the reality of pain, emotion, and anger are distant and inrelivant. All too often people often hurt each other in the name of ministry.
It’s almost funny how far from the reality of the streets these people live.
But in the world I grew up in, I was taught to be authentic, raw, and real. Loyalty and commitment was a given. Friends fought together, went to jail together, even lied to the police for each other. And it seems that the “church life” unintentionally trains folks to put on an act. It thrives on judging each other, throwing anybody and everybody under the bus. I’m fed up with all that.
I’m fed up with pretentiousness. I’m fed up with trying to fit in with folks who have no loyalty. Fed up.
I’m not sure where my realizations will take me. Probably a bit further from popularity. Hopefully far enough away from being seen by the world as some kind of bullsh#% artist. It’s 2011, the world needs real. Not some generic, fake, non-loyal, wishy washy religious nut. That’s what I’ve been, and I’m sickened by it.
If who I am makes me less “influential” in the “church”, so be it. At least I’ll be able to rest in my own skin and authentically reveal the living Christ to those God puts in my path.
I just want to be authentically me so that others might have chance in this thing. So be it.