I am my own slave driver


26 Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  -Ezekiel 36:26

18 Let no one keep defrauding you of your prize by delighting in self-abasement and the worship of the angels, taking his stand on visions he has seen, inflated without cause by his fleshly mind, 19 and not holding fast to the head, from whom the entire body, being supplied and held together by the joints and ligaments, grows with a growth which is from God. -Colossians 2:18-19

I guess it all started a few weeks ago. We had an encounter with God in one of our group meetings that dislodged one of the major components of my religious engine. I’m not sure how to describe the transition as it was a divine one, but I can tell you that it came as the gospel of Christ was further revealed to my soul.

I woke up the following morning in what felt like a depression. And as I usually do, I went to my bible and began to read, and the depression-like-thing didn’t leave. Then I mustered up the faith to call on the person of Christ, and it was as if He walked in the room, and instantly I was righted. This came about 5 minutes into my allotted time with God before my day started.

Instantly as I was righted by the invited presence of God, I began to have compassion for a friend and was given some divine insights into their current circumstances.

Ever since that day I’ve noticed the absence of what use to give me great comfort, my religiousness. It’s been like losing a tooth and running my tongue over the empty spot. My religiousness use to have a position in my life that made me different than other people. It use to give me an identity that others could look up to and revere. And now it’s not there, sometimes I’m overlooked in a room, my presence is not as felt as it use to be. It’s honestly been kind of awkward. But at the same time liberating. This makes perfect since because the new testament is all about everyone having access to the fullness of God, not the religious who have earned the right, but to all who call on His name He gives the right to be sons of God.

All of a sudden I’m beginning to trust in the heart that God has given me. I’m doing what I feel God wanting to do, instead of laboring over what He has said or is saying.  It’s all so new to me.

Today, I went to a prayer meeting that I have been orchestrating with a handful of friends of mine. After getting there and beginning  to pray, I realized that my heart was not in it. I was not wholly there. It’s not that I didn’t want to commune with God, it was as if I was being released from being my own slave driver and making myself do this religious thing that God was not mandating.

Somehow as a result of all this I’m finding myself even further in love with God in this new found freedom. It’s as if the union He desires for me comes with a shared desire with Him. As if He knows that my ability to create my own freedom is futile. It feels like I’m being shown what’s it’s like to be friends with God. It’s as if He loves me for me…


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