I remember the first time I saw myself on film… I was stunned. I was the one of the only people on earth I’ve never seen. I mean I look at myself in the mirror, but I’ve never met me and sat down to chat as to criticized me, I’ve never estimated my age and loved the good parts of my character. I live behind my own eyes, navigating the best I know how.

When I lost the one person I knew best, my big brother, something changed. It almost felt like an internal time clock started counting down. It’s as if a reality hit me deeply-I am not promised tomorrow. My time here is short. What I do here matters… life became fragile.

The last time I saw him he wasn’t there. He had gone. And now I’m left with that experience, and it haunts me. We place such concern on how we look and how others perceive us, for what? To leave it all behind when we die. I guess that’s why God’s children, who let Him Father them, have such a selflessness and confidence about them. God teaches us to not worry about such things, to lay down our lives for our friends.

So what about my brother do I miss so dearly? Part of it is that I lost part of myself when I lost my brother. He was an anchor for me. A go-to guy that was always there. And now… radio silence…

Like a front runner in a race, I keep looking back for him and he is just not there. I felt like stopping when he stopped, some in my family have. But somehow I know that as far as he took me I would only dishonor him by stopping. So on I run… not knowing exactly where I’m going nor where I’ll end. Never being separate from him for we in a lot a ways are the same person, and yet he is not here.

On occasion I have to talk about him with new friends and colleagues. They have no idea. And I’m losing the words that would do him justice… maybe my life will one day do him justice…  It may be uncomfortable, but my life with Kevin is forever intertwined…


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