Once you realize that the Faith is not about performance and presentation you become ruined unto true relationship with real people and a real present God. You may attempt to reenter and find ways to rightly perform so that you convey the real relationship that you’ve learned about, but it won’t work. You can’t teach people that it’s not about lessons, that’s an oxymoron.
Christianity is costly. And it’s real life. You have no option of preserving a part of yourself while holding to and presenting your ‘thoughts about’ the Christian religion. Thoughts will get you nowhere. Christianity reaches the depths of one’s being and changes everything. Or it does not. To be taught or deceived into the thinking that Christianity is to be quarantined to just certain parts of your life may bear some fruit, but it will not give the full freedom that Christ died to give. And in turn it will not reproduce the same freedom in those you influence, but will cause bondage in others. Either you are the family of God with brothers and sisters, or you’re religious and partial in your spirituality. Either you are preforming, or you’re being true to yourself.
This prodding is not to chastise and treat you harshly. But to cause some reflection. At least you should know where you are. God doesn’t reveal the truth of your heart to condemn you. But to set you free. It may feel like you’re giving up some security and some safety, those are faux. Real security and safety happens when you let go of your doctrine and your religious understanding and trust the person of Christ, whom you have so firmly believed in. Either your beliefs about Him are true or they are not. Your holding them up doesn’t make them true, so your letting go of your tight grip doesn’t either. Christ is Lord and He is trustworthy of your whole life.