To say my ambition is dead sounds a little morbid. And an exaggeration. My dreams and visions have had time to reign in my life and for the most part those things had their day. I’ve accomplished things in my life–things that others haven’t; things to be proud of. But the effort to tame and steer those ferrel dreams has become too much for me. In my pursuit of them I’ve realized that my dreams and how I want them realized are akin to mirages. They seem to be great in the planning and development, but the fulfillment has left me feeling just as empty and dissatisfied as I did when they were unfulfilled.
It seems to me that many, if not all, of those dreams for my life and the people that I envisioned being in them were good and God given. Plans to help others, plans to nurture people and to lay down my life in the process. The thing is–when it comes to participating in God’s Kingdom only Christ’s dream can being fulfilled and it is meticulous and perfect. As much as we, in certain glimpses of time, try and capture the essence of how everything works by making estimations and conclusions, it’s only a matter of time before the proverbial kaleidoscope of time shifts and we find ourselves attempting to make sense of the absolute mayhem that ensued as a result of our decisions. From my estimation most people are in one of 2 stages: the figuring out and controlling stage, or in the stage of becoming aware of how random and seemingly untame this life really is.
I feel like I’ve been through both of those stages, twice… both as a heathen and while being securely tethered to Jesus. As a heathen I grew up wild and ignorant, oblivious to many things but working to make a way for myself. As I grew up, I realized that the things I thought were secure were not. So I ran to Jesus and found a home like no other, thus helping me to reframe my life around new securities. As I gave myself over to Jesus and found my investments in Him were being grossly rewarded I found myself once again labeling and concluding things about life which isn’t bad thing. It’s a natural thing, a part of human processing, but the conclusions I had drawn in my early stages of Christianity crumbled. All that I had concluded and had stood firm on were once again shifting and moving. But this time I had Christ to hold on to which made all the difference.
What I am now beginning to realize is that there must be another stage of this life. Not just the ascent and the descent but another way of doing life. A way of doing it where ambition is not making me drunk, nor is bitterness blinding my eyes but a sober journey, with well defined steps. A journey that looks more like Mount Everest with life and death in the balance than the paddy cake trails that I’ve become all too familiar with.
So I’m here now with a different perspective, not looking for conclusions or trying to discern new goals, but learning to find satisfaction in the journey. A journey that is not mine to lead, but now with a different heart, a different perspective, and sometimes a completely still tongue I follow Jesus. I have no idea what my future holds, which is a first for me. But there is such freedom here; such certainty. Because I know my future has everything to do with being centered and submitted to Jesus and His will.